The Pilgrimage

 The journey is long

The cane fields are high

The night remains

The stalwart pilgrim

leads the way 

on the road

The road less traveled by.

They sowed what they reaped

and a difference was raised. 

Ocaso

 apatía corre por mi espalda

agua fría me calienta el alma

oscuridad acaricia mi cara

y bien delicada

me abrasa el alma

calor tierno

seguro

mi niña, mi niña

no la vuelves a tocar

ella se acuerda

"¡Mejor no hubieras nacido!"

el silencio eterno

en su momento

te buscará

pero a mi niña, 

mi niña

no la vuelves a tocar

Tired of Being Autistic

 I'm tired of being autistic and sadly there's nothing I can do about it. 

I'm tired of being "expressionless" when people convey things to me. Which in reality means I'm masking whenever I'm not expressionless in order for neurotypicals to receive "feedback" that I'm there. 

I'm tired of being forced into a mold that my neurodivergent self will never fit. 

I'm tired of being scolded for seeing things in black and white. 

When in reality it is that black and white thinking that makes me an excellent mediator because I can clearly see what both sides want. 

I'm tired of living in existential dread. 

No, I don't feel dead inside. I'm just tired of trying to exist the way society expects me to because "I'm smart." 

I'm tired overall of living and no, I don't want to die. 

I just want to be able to live freely as I am. 

With my flat affect 

With my stims

With my aloofness

With my naivete

I just want to be all of me...

Ditto

Knock, knock!...

I'm here!

I know you're not doing your best.

What makes you think what you have will last?

What funny thought that a part of you thought it would ever be possible. 

Knock, knock!...

I'm always here, you know. 

There's not really a way that I can go away. 

You and me... 

We're one and the same. Nothing can really set us apart. 

Maybe... just maybe... the only thing that separates you from me is your face, because I have none. 

Just your average faceless voice, darling. 

Knock, knock!...

HA! I'm STILL here. 

Tonight's going to be a great night. 

A wonderful night! 

How about you and I sit and talk about a few things... The things that I've always kept telling you that you refuse to listen to. 

KNOCK. KNOCK! 

It might be your bedtime, but it clearly isn't mine. I never sleep.

See... that's the best part of being your Ditto.

So... let's talk!

That thing you said in that conversation...

So damn senseless! How dare you! You really think people are going to be okay with that? 

You really think that I'll accept that from you?

Come on! You know you can be better than that! It's unacceptable!

They never really liked you, you know... 

Why would they? You're a goddamn mess. Every. Single. Day. 

But you can like me because I'll never leave. Seriously... I'll never leave so get fucking used to it, kid. 

Knock, knock!!! 

Are you done with those tears?

Let's get back to where we were. There's still so much to talk about. 

Every single thing that you do in the name of self-embrace has go to stop.

Stop with the ridiculous monologue already. It's never going to happen. 

Who you are is wrong, remember. 

Don't forget that. I keep telling you that it's unacceptable and yet you continue to indulge in it...

What a pity... You could have been such a great asset to this world...

Knock... Knock...

Where are you? I can't seem to find you anymore?

You can't run away from me... I'm mutable... bound to you forever.

But really... who is this Ditto?

Abrázame, verde luz

Me deprimo 

Me ahogo en sueños reales

Alcanzo logros 

aislados

y cada día que sube y bajo sol

se lleva un poco de mi alma

un beso ténebre

de mi amiga la oscuridad

entre mares de sonrisa

se me escapa el alma

y consigo se lleva mi vida

Imprisonment

What is this troubled anger that belittles and scorns who I love?
Years of imprisonment under the same regime
I can't help but feel the way I do
A part of me wants to change this anger, and turn it to blissful joy, but no matter how much my soul tries, its pieces are torn and broken at a faster rate than they are repaired.
What is love, but pain and anguish between moments of joy?
What is this gravitating feeling towards other humans?

Its a continuous knot on my chest, some kind of emotional tumor that stopped its growth, but nonetheless still resides within my soul and shapes my empty surroundings.
I've lost my way between moments of piercing pain and petrifying pandemonium of tumultuous experiences.

The vast land of life has been sedimented with years of misery, forced happiness, and failed attempts at a new sunrise.

What does one do when they've lost the will to live?
Its a selfish thing to leave this dimension, you see...
So onwards I go walking into the abyss of the future, empty, exhausted and living a delusion of an imaginary world that will help me cope with this dreadful existence and underlying sadness above all.

Entre veredas de libertad

Me gusta sentarme y pensarte,
me gusta desearte... y a veces me gusta robarte tu tiempo
robarte tus besos, tus sonrisas y hacerlas completamente mías
Te deseo solo para mí
Lo admito, a veces tengo deseos egoístas
lo admito...

Corre la sangre entre ríos de dolor,
entre ríos de angustia
veredas marchitadas empapadas de sangre
enredando corazones en almas
rabia, cólera, mis bríos, tu silencio...

Todo explota, las partículas se van uniendo
poco a poco pegándose
hasta que explotan
Tu silencio, tu palabra de susurro
Me llena
Me rompe
Me encamina

No será fácil comprender la libertad
Esa libertad del alma que tanto se desea
entre amores, entre sombras
entre lujurias, entre deseos
Seguimos peleando por la libertad de esa alma

Si fuese que algún día me tocara amarte
Si el universo quisiera que mi alma se uniera con la tuya
Si mi cuerpo gravitara hacia el tuyo
A todo... a todo le diría que no
porque te quiero libre
libremente en mis brazos
libremente existiendo en el universo

Entonces ya no te poseeré
porque lograré entender
que quiero tu alma con la mía
que no sea mía
que ande conmigo
pero libre...

Jamás te daré mi libertad porque aprendí
que en los amores la libertad vale
sentirse libre y fresco
Porque al amarte quiero sentirme libre,
pero libre contigo
sin ataduras,
pero caminando juntos

He logrado aprender que las caricias vienen de los cuerpos
y los cuerpos envician,
pero el vicio que quiero
es el vicio de tu libertad con la mía.